(IMAGE: Luv Hurtz LLC)
Freestyle Digital Media. 2021. Comedy/Romance. 81 minutes.
RATING: 2.5 / 4
John Rhys-Davies is Bad Cupid. That’s it – that’s the pitch. And it could easily have gone very wrong had the veteran character actor merely shown up for a paycheck. Fortunately for everyone concerned, he brings the thunder, elevating what might otherwise be an unremarkable, low-budget rom-com lite into a big ol’ ham sandwich.
Rhys-Davies, beloved for fan-favorite performances as Sallah in the Indiana Jones films and Gimli in The Lord of the Rings, among others, has fallen out of favor with some fans in recent years for his outspoken conservative, nativist politics. Because his characters so often come across as inclusive, it felt like a heel turn to have him loudly and publicly complain about Muslim immigrants and back Brexit. But to some extent, that perception works in his favor here – you are not supposed to necessarily like him as Archie, a self-styled matchmaker with brutal methods who may or may not be the actual love deity Cupid. The film never fully tips its hand on that score; he knows more than he ought, but rational explanations could conceivably exist for that.
Following an early introduction in which he (or possibly his stand-in) sabotages a spontaneous marriage proposal, whacking the ring across Niagara Falls with a baseball bat, Archie doesn’t really enter the plot again until about half an hour in. This gives us a chance to meet Dave (Shane Nepveu) and his girlfriend Denise (Christine Turturro) on their final, awkward date before breaking up. Writers Neal Howard, Ira Fritz and Anthony Piatek nail the discomfort and disconnect on display here. Denise’s speech about needing to feel “that spark” is one I must have heard hundreds of times while dating and failing in Los Angeles. But Dave isn’t much better; he misses a lot of obvious cues, and once Denise is clearly done with him, cannot move on.
Enter Archie, full of bluster, moral certitude, and beer. So convinced is he that Dave and Denise are actually meant to be, and that it’s on Dave to prove it, he has kidnapped Denise’s new fiancee and tied him up in a bar bathroom. Armed with ego and voice at maximum volume – and, secondarily, a handgun – Archie convinces Dave to man up, or be implicated in the possibly imminent murder of their new hostage. He utilizes arrows, as all Cupids must, but they’re real, and they hurt. Along for the ride, because she also thinks Dave needs tough love, is his lesbian cousin Morris (Briana Marin), who’s effective as a combination of both the male “wingman” best friend and female “quirky” best friend tropes so common to the genre.
Rhys-Davies may be playing an utter sociopath, but ultimately, like an R. Lee Ermey drill instructor, he becomes the best thing about the movie because he’s yelling at and threatening people who don’t deserve better. One is reminded of Brian Blessed in, well, almost everything, and the viewer may leave with more understanding of why Legolas initially had issues with Gimli. If the Snakes on a Plane franchise ever seeks to revive on a direct to-video budget, it’s no stretch to say that Rhys-Davies could yell all of Samuel L. Jackson’s signature profane lines with near-equal fervor. And he comes pretty damn close in this.
Co-directors Neal Howard (a trial consultant in his day job) and Diane Cossa (a theater actress and director) make the most of locations in and around Buffalo, NY, including locations doubling for Las Vegas with hilariously generic signs like “bar” and “casino.” Animated transitions cover for more expensive travel scenes, without adding much of note to the narrative. However, the job of every part of this movie not named John Rhys-Davies is to not get in the way of John Rhys-Davies, and on that score, it’s all a success. The ending is a bit abrupt, with almost no third act whatsoever after the final turning point, but even though Dave is the protagonist and could stand more closure, everyone clearly understands that once Archie’s role is essentially done, nobody’s going to care much about the rest of it.
Now, James Mangold: let’s get him that Indy 5 paycheck he clearly deserves.
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